So, you think you want to become a werewolf. Have you really thought this through? Really? Here are 10 things you might want to consider.
1. Fleas — You’ve seen your dog running in circles, biting at himself, or sitting and scratching himself bloody because of the pesky parasites. Are you ready to deal with that? Sure, you might find a human willing to bathe you, but the possibility of you eating him or her after the bath could make that difficult.
2. Ticks — All the fun of fleas, but these get really gross as they swell up.
3. Hair — You’ll shed like you wouldn’t even believe. When you change back to human you’ll swear you’ll never let that wolf back in the house. You’ll need an industrial vacuum cleaner. And you better switch to leather furniture because you can forget about taking all that hair off your cloth couch with a lint roller.
4. Greetings — Do I need to remind you that wolves don’t have hands? Are you into sniffing butts? Getting your butt sniffed? No? Get used to it.
5. Worms — You think the fleas and ticks are bad? Because you’ll crave raw meat, you’ll more than likely get a case of worms from time to time. That’ll be you dragging your dirty butt across the carpet with your spouse chasing you with a broom, yelling at you to get outside. Once in the yard, you’ll be dragging in the grass, trying to scratch that itch that just won’t be relieved.
6. Dinner — Sure, chasing down a deer and eating fresh venison sounds wonderful, right? Will your humanity get in the way when you hear the bleat of the dying animal? Do you really like the taste of blood and the toughness of raw meat?
7. Dinner, Part 2 — Not everything wolves eat is as romantic as fresh deer. Ever eaten a mouse and been glad to have caught it? How about the skunk that was run over on the highway two days ago, on July 15? Yummmmm!
8. Sex — Umm, only the alphas of the pack get to engage in this activity. Your chances of being the alpha? Not so high, really. Sure, you can start your own pack, or coven, or whatever, but do you have the charisma to lead it on a long-term basis?
9. You think your monthly is bad now, ladies?
10. Prejudice — As wrong as it is, you’ll just never be as popular as those vampires. Sure, werewolves are better. We don’t have to sleep in the dirt, we can party hard day or night, and we’re far from dead below the belt, but for some reason people seem to prefer the blood suckers.
Keep these things in mind if you choose to continue your quest to become a werewolf. Being a flea-bitten, butt-dragging, roadkill-eating celebate omega wolf might not be what you’re really after.