NRU: Mr. Wedel, superhero movies are all the rage today. If you could be a superhero, who would you be?
WEDEL: I would be Procrastination Man.
NRU: Procrastination Man? Why? What would your power be?
WEDEL: I would zip around the globe, destroying things that keep people like me – in my mundane alter ego – from doing their real work.
NRU: Can you elaborate on that?
WEDEL: Of course. You see, like right now I should be rewriting the last few chapters of this young adult book I’ve been working on. Progress goes pretty good once I make myself work on it. But instead, I’m sitting here interviewing myself. And when I’m finished with this ridiculous task I’ll justify a game of Madden Football by saying I put in a week at a teachers’ workshop and earned it.
NRU: I see. And your power would be to take away distractions?
WEDEL: Yes. Facebook would have to go. I know some people really enjoy it, but it distracts me. So it has to be destroyed. Crush the Castle must go, too.
NRU: By that logic, your Madden Football game has to go.
WEDEL: This is my world and I make the rules. Madden stays. I’m in the playoffs.
NRU: Who would play Procrastination Man in the movie version?
WEDEL: Some jerk who doesn’t bother to put a wrap of insulation around his abs, I suppose. Probably someone who can’t act but spits dumb one-liners and narrowly avoids dying in one pointless massive explosion after another.
NRU: So, you see Michael Bay as the director?
WEDEL: Not if I tear my eyes out.
NRU: Would Procrastination Man have a sidekick?
WEDEL: Yes. His sidekick and love interest is Honey Dew. But she mostly follows him around with a list of boring chores that have to be done before he can save the world. He’d destroy her, too, but you know, he loves her. That makes him too complex for a Michael Bay movie, but I’m sure Hollywood script writers would take care of that.
NRU: What kind of outfit would Procrastination Man wear?
WEDEL: Harley Davidson books, black jeans, and a KISS T-shirt. Or, maybe once the world sees all the good he’s doing, Gene Simmons would loan him some boots and Ace Frehley could loan him the cape he wore on the Dynasty tour. That’d be cool.
NRU: Would Procrastination Man wear a mask?
WEDEL: Oh yeah. Masks are cool. Liberating. Put a shy kid in a chicken suit and a mask and he’ll dance on the street corner to advertise a sale at Jim’s Chicken Shack. Procrastination Man would moon people after saving them. It’s inspiration, you know. But he wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that without a mask.
NRU: I think our mom is calling us. Thanks for talking to Narcissists R Us.